I Wish I Could........

You remember being a kid and looking at grown ups and thinking how much “fun” it would be to be a grown up?

I do.When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up.

I envied how grown ups got to do everything they wanted but I couldn’t stay up past 10 pm.

I envied how grown ups got to go wherever they wanted without asking. But I still had to ask for permission to watch TV.

I envied how grown ups always had so much money to spend. But I wasn’t allowed to eat all the ice cream in the world.

I envied how grown ups were so important and were treated with such respect. But everything I said was “cute” or “funny” and no one ever paid heed.

And so I wanted it all. A grown-up was my celebrity.

I became older. A teenager. And I still continued to envy grown ups.

I still envied how grown ups got to do everything they wanted. But I wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone all I please without being disturbed.

I still envied how grown ups got to go wherever they wanted without asking for permission. But I had to make up a million excuses to go out with my friends.

I still envied how grown ups always had so much money to spend. But I had to save up for months before my boyfriend’s birthday.

I still envied how grown ups were so important and were treated with such respect. But where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do was regarded as “childish”.

I still wanted it all. And I convinced myself that it would all come in good time. A few more years and I’d have finally grown up.

Those years have gone by a little too quickly for my liking. I’m what you would define as a “grown up” now. And I get to do all those things I envied as a kid. Only, now it all seems very different.

Yes, I am allowed to do whatever I want. But I don’t have the time or the energy to do any of it.

Yes, I don’t need to ask for permission to go anywhere. But I wish there would be someone to make my decisions for me. Tell me what was right and wrong. Give me the right advice on anything and everything that I did.

Yes I have so much money to spend at my disposal. But only I know the efforts and pains it has taken me to collect each and every penny.

Yes, I seem very important and respected when it comes to making decisions. But I wish the burden of responsibilities was much lesser.

And now I wish I could go back and stop time. I wish I could go back and be looked after and pampered and fed and taken care of. I wish I could go back and be a kid. I wish my parents were around all the time to release me of all my responsibilities. I wish my saddest moments were those when I got into a fight with my siblings. I wish I had a fixed bed time during all those times that I have to stay up working through the night. I wish mom was around to put me to sleep when I was sick. I wish dad was around to pat me on my back when I did well. I wish I could eat all I wanted and still look cute. I wish I could crawl into mom and dad’s bed during winter nights. I wish tears rolling down my cheeks were only because of my scraped knee. I wish I could rewind. And then I wish I could pause.